Hi My name is Anastasia and this is my story.
I have I had my first child (who i soooo wanted) and at when she was 7 months Ii went back to work full time (I had to anyway as we needed the money). To be honest I don’t think I was cut out to be a SAHM (stay at home mum), as much as I love my girl I was happy to be at work. I have a good job and have worked many years to get to there I am (and very hard). I am in the position of
responsibility so its a good mental work out.
I often feel guilty for being working mum not because I work but because every one pushing this image that once you have kids you should hate your job and should do your best to be at home with your kids. My little girl who is 18m now loved day care from day one so I can confidently say she didn’t suffer from my decision to go back to work . I teach her a lot at home but day care is also a good learning place.
I am currently on maternity leave and will be going back to work once my boy turns 7 months , and my girl still attends day care 3 times a week.
A month after going back to work I found out I was pregnant!!! It was a massive shock, there was a lot of tears and “what the hell are we going to do”
We had already decided we probably were not going to have any more kids as we have my partners girl with us half the time and the 2 of them (her and our girl) are so energetic they replace 4 kids 🙂 There is also a question of how we are going to afford it .
A termination was explored but we find out I was already 8 weeks pregnant so we had to make a decision very fast. Long story short we decided to keep the baby. As I had a month of not knowing if we were keeping the baby I never bonded with my pregnancy.
My boy never stayed still in my tummy and at the end(last 2 months) I was in and out of the hospital because if I went into labour things could be bad (I had a low lying placenta which made things more complicated). After my 5th stay at the hospital I was finally given the all clear, I had to do a growth scan. They told me baby turned again and cord is down (so in labor it will come out first so baby will die if I am not at the hospital at the time). I had mini mental break down at 37 weeks pregnant, I couldn’t take it anymore as one again I had to go back to the hospital and just be there so if I go into labor they can make all the decisions on the spot. At the hospital we had to do another scan and by then baby turned himself back (head down) as it was meant to be, the Dr at the time told me that I had 2 options…to stay at the hospital until baby born naturally (so could be up to 5 weeks if I was to be overdue) or to do internal scan (because of placenta) and then be induce or have an elective CSection.
I couldn’t bare to be away from home and my girl for so long (I already was missing out on so much having been in hospital so often) so we opted for getting baby out. We did the scam and a new Dr came to talk to me, he said baby is looking good and is in a good position and that I am free to go home. Man did i lose it! I said I was not leaving until this baby is out and that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired, grumpy, hormonal and god only knows what else but I was not in a good frame of mind. The Dr listen and told me to go home and he will book an induction for Tuesday. I went home, calmed down and was happy to meet my baby soon.
On day of the induction my partner got very very sick 🙁 Anyway I got induced at 10am and already started to double guessing my decisions
as baby was small and was going to be 2 weeks early, my partner arrived shortly after. We just sat there for a long time I was hooked up to all sorts of monitors, it was very very boring nothing much was happening so I sent hubby home because I wanted him to be there with our little one and he wasn’t looking so good. He left about 3 pm. Dr come back and tried to break my waters and then she said she will be back at 9 to do another induction if things didn’t progress. They didn’t, so at 9pm they gave me another gel dose. An hour later I started to feel contractions (but very mild) and my water broke 5 min later for some reason it was painful like some one stabbed me (I even screamed as it was very unexpected). I called midwife (hospital one). Apparently there was a lot of blood so a whole bunch of Drs started to arrive. I called hubby to tell him to come back and also my midwife. By the time hubby arrived I had 3 Dr and 2 midwifes all was trying to find out out why there was so much blood, as I had a low placenta there was a risk of it tearing (which is fatal for the baby). Anyway because no more blood was coming they decided I can try a natural birth but they will hook me up to all sort of monitors and will have drips on stand by just in case. Hubby arrived and was looking ill so he just set there. The nurse asked that I go to the bathroom before they hook me up. As I did I felt a massive chunk come out of me, it was a massive blood clot size of golf ball, I told the Dr.
It was just past 12, every one was running around. One of the Dr said they had no time to find out where the blood clot came from because if it was my placenta we didn’t have much time, we had to go into theater . ES I was crying I was sooooo scared I had to sign forms, DP was looking very tired but got changed into scrubs to go with me. I was still scared I didn’t know what to expect as no one actually told me what c-section is like. We got rushed to the operating room and DP got told as it was no time for a local anesthetic I was going under General and he had to leave. It made me even more scared, I was crying like crazy, someone was trying to talk to me and explain what they will put me to sleep and everything be ok , my midwife was on her way but haven’t arrived yet . (sorry I am crying as I am typing this) I cant remember last time I was so scared, they get me to the table and was prepping me, I was shaking from fear all I could thing of is my little girl. The anesthesiologist was trying to calm me down by telling me it will be ok and what is happening but in the end she said time to go to sleep, put mask on my face and everything went bleary and I am still scared shirtless and thinking of my girl. I open my eyes I remember feeling very distressed, cold, scared and it took good minute to get my bearings together. My midwife was there, she was hugging me and kissing my forehead and trying to calm me down first things she said was you had a baby boy and he is good and you good and your partner is with him. I was sobbing. She said they took baby to the baby unit as he had a little struggle to breathe but mostly he is good it was just a precaution. My hubby was with him. Morphine started to work and I was calming down but I felt a massive hole in my heart as I had no baby in my arms . MW went to get my partner. I was surprised he was still standing, he looked extremely sick. But he was proud we had a boy he showed me a photo. It’s how I got to see my boy for the first time, a photo 🙁
Once everything was settled I was taken to the ward and a nice nurse saw my tears and offered to take me to see the baby, because I was still on the bed and baby was hooked up to machines all I could see and touch was his feet and legs. It was 3 in the morning. I didn’t see my boy till 9 the next day and it was only for 20 min while I was trying to fed him, next time Ii saw him for 30 min at 2 pm but at 5 he was allowed to stay wtih me . surprise surprise I ended up with PND and couldn’t bond this him. He got very sick 2 weeks later and we spend first night in resus and 5 days in the ward.
He is 4 months now and the bond finally came and I now love him to bits. But there was time when I cried every day thinking, I wonder if I would ever love him. I still blame myself for not trying to go full term as he was only 3 kg born and still only 5 kg now, he is not as strong as other baby’s his age 🙁
Life is crazy at the moment with an 18m toddler who is full on and extra energetic, a 4 m old little boy and an 8 year old. I am very lucky as hubby helps out a lot. I am so looking forward going back to work in few months and getting some of my sanity back.